Adding on detail

This task was about I had to edit a piece of writing  that I was given. I edited it and here is what I finished with.

WALT add supporting detail/ideas to our writing

WALT write a range of correct sentence types 

During the holiday, I went to the beach with my friends. We saw there was a volleyball net. We asked a family if we could borrow their volleyball. We played volleyball for about an hour then had some lunch. Before we went home, we gave the volleyball back to the family. I had a lot of fun at the beach with my friends.

Read this simple recount.

What do you notice about the recount?

She only used her sense of sight. She didn’t use smell,hear nor touch.

What could we add to this recount to make it more detailed?

More interesting vocab and more senses.

Edit this recount above to make it more detailed:

During the holiday, I went to the warm beach with my friends. We saw in the distance that there was a volleyball net. We always loved to play volleyball in the holidays, but there was one problem we had no volleyball.

So one of my friends asked a kind family if we could borrow their volleyball. He said that they were the happiest family and they said yes. We all hugged each other in excitement.

When we played volleyball I hit it with all my power and it was really hard and smooth. I bent my fingers and then I fell to the ground screaming because it really hurt.

We played volleyball for about an hour because it was so fun, beside me getting hurt. After a bunch of exhausting games of extreme volleyball we had lunch .

Lunch tasted delicious. In fact we had 3 pizzas, sushi, homemade sandwiches and clean water. When the water dripped into my mouth I glowed up in coolness because I hadn’t had water this whole entire day. After lunch we went to have a refreshing swim in the calm and lapping waves. I could even hear the waves from here and it felt like I was on a cruise going to a tropical place.

I jumped into the air diving in the sea and I tasted the salty sea water. My friends all burst into laughter. I didn’t laugh because it was like my taste buds were gone.

When I was swimming I could hear the loud seagull’s talking to each other like humans. It was pretty annoying .

Before we went home, we gave the volleyball back to the kind family. The little girl from the family spoke up and said that we could use it anytime we want. Me and my friends had a blast at the beach. I would say it was the best holidays of my life.

We packed up and went off seeing what was ahead of us next.